where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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