PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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