You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
