Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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