made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
