How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
