I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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