Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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