Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize