sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
