he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize