I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
