I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
