You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
