I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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