He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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