You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
