ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
