i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
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