apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
