Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
