I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize