I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
