Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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