so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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