mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize