I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
