i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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