so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
