i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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