I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
