I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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