You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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