I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
