when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
