I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
