weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
