There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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