Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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