Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
