the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
