Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
