Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
