my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
