I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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