brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
