That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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