i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
