i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's shark week go big or go home
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
