This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
