Me. At least after what I've been through.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
