First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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