Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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