I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
