Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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