I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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