I will die if light touches me.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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