hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Mom said you looked used
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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