yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
