how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
