Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she looked like the before picture.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize