i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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