the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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