She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
