My liver just broke up with me...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
