my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
