Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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